Thursday, June 2, 2011

Things That Set It Off

     I didn't stay on at all yesterday.  Day 1 - Epic Fail.  I was doing great too and of course I went home and kept doing great.  Granted my head was killing me but I managed.  Tony grilled burgers and we had some chips and salsa with it.  Simple (not the healthiest) but I was in my calorie range non the less.  Then it happened...Tony had to leave because his grandmom went into the hospital.  I'm not heartless I swear but I feel like his family only acts like a family when something bad happens.  His brother badmouths his grandmom all of the time.  Tony never goes to visit her (15 minute drive maybe) and his mom makes it clear that they don't even get along.  I should have kept quite but of course I told Tony this.  He left to pick up his brother after dinner and he was pissed at me.  So I ate.
     It started out small.  Just grabbed a cookie as I was getting Gizmo a treat.  Then I started to think how I was mad that he was mad so I had a bagel then another cookie and after that I lost track.  My headache came back along with a shitty stomachache and I was even more pissed.  Triggers.  Everything that happens in my life sparks this chain of commands and it usually ends with me eating everything in sight until I not only feel 100 times worse but I feel like I let myself down.  I thought it would be easy now.  I know what makes me run to food but it's not.  It's a one day at a time sort of thing and my brain doesn't want to think of it that way.  My head thinks that one day of dieting and working out and POOF! I should be thin.  Nice, but not logical in any sense. 
     On a happier note, being home alone last night meant I could curl up on the couch and watch many episodes of Season 1: Vampire Diaries.  Tony is starting to like watching it too.  I knew he would if he gave it a chance.  Plus, the guys in it are hot!  And today is a new day.  I will do my best to stay on it and try harder than yesterday.  I am tired of failing and feeling sick and sad about this.  I cannot let this run my life.

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