Things That Set It Off

     I didn't stay on at all yesterday.  Day 1 - Epic Fail.  I was doing great too and of course I went home and kept doing great.  Granted my head was killing me but I managed.  Tony grilled burgers and we had some chips and salsa with it.  Simple (not the healthiest) but I was in my calorie range non the less.  Then it happened...Tony had to leave because his grandmom went into the hospital.  I'm not heartless I swear but I feel like his family only acts like a family when something bad happens.  His brother badmouths his grandmom all of the time.  Tony never goes to visit her (15 minute drive maybe) and his mom makes it clear that they don't even get along.  I should have kept quite but of course I told Tony this.  He left to pick up his brother after dinner and he was pissed at me.  So I ate.
     It started out small.  Just grabbed a cookie as I was getting Gizmo a treat.  Then I started to think how I was mad that he was mad so I had a bagel then another cookie and after that I lost track.  My headache came back along with a shitty stomachache and I was even more pissed.  Triggers.  Everything that happens in my life sparks this chain of commands and it usually ends with me eating everything in sight until I not only feel 100 times worse but I feel like I let myself down.  I thought it would be easy now.  I know what makes me run to food but it's not.  It's a one day at a time sort of thing and my brain doesn't want to think of it that way.  My head thinks that one day of dieting and working out and POOF! I should be thin.  Nice, but not logical in any sense. 
     On a happier note, being home alone last night meant I could curl up on the couch and watch many episodes of Season 1: Vampire Diaries.  Tony is starting to like watching it too.  I knew he would if he gave it a chance.  Plus, the guys in it are hot!  And today is a new day.  I will do my best to stay on it and try harder than yesterday.  I am tired of failing and feeling sick and sad about this.  I cannot let this run my life.

Candy Girl

     The guys at work like their candy.  God forbid I forget to buy some as soon as we run out.  I think they hang around the office longer than needed just so that they can keep walking by my room to grab it.  I sit with candy on my desk 9 hours a day, 5 days a week.  Not that cheap icky candy either.  No fruit stuff for me, no thank you!  This is legit and right this minute it's peanut chews.  There are days where I don't eat a single bite of candy at work.  Honestly, there are times I forget it's even here. 
     Why then, as soon as I go home and walk into the kitchen for a glass of water, do I end up leaving with a cookie in my hand?  Is the cookie box even out in the open?  Nope.  It's nestled away behind a door.  Yet I never forget that behind that white door on the third shelf, there are cookies.  Same routine almost every day.  Maybe I should start having Tony toss me a bottle of water from the fridge and I will stay a safe distance away in the living room.  Maybe I should stop going into the kitchen at all.  Or maybe I should just never by cookies.  NO.  I should learn to have control over the situation.  Telling myself that is simple.  Acting on it?  I'm not so sure. 

Last Time Ever

237.6!  I have lost weight and gained weight over the last six years.  I have probably seen this number on the scale at least 65 different times.  This will be the last time ever seeing it on the scale.  It's Summer.  Nothing really fits from last year and I hate that I can't just throw on a cute Summer dress over a bikini whenever I need to run out of the house for something.  I'm done feeling sorry for myself and eating whenever something happens (good, bad, sad, happy, angry, moodie, etc.) because this isn't me!  I am a Summer baby meant to wear cute clothes and take longs walks/runs/bike rides at night in the warm air.  I should be laying on the beach all weekend long not hiding under jeans and baggy shirts trying to think of my new excuse for why I couldn't stay on my diet today.  My boyfriend says that I love food more than him.  Not true but I can see why he thinks it.  Tony doesn't really get it.  He's thin and fit and eats what he wants but can control himself to stop and not eat a whole bag of chips, all the pizza, an entire pint of ice cream etc.  This is the start of a new me.  I'm going to enjoy what I eat rather than just shoveling food in my mouth.  Working out will be fun for now on and I won't let it get boring.  I am going to change!